62 Things that the Enterprise Crew is not allowed to do
by Fishing Four Finnick
Summary: Admiral Pike is concerned over the way things are being run on the Starfleet flag ship. He starts writing a list of rules inspired by his findings while on board. (Based on an Avengers parody on Tumblr) T for some bad language.
1. Introduction

Admiral Pike wheeled his way onto the bridge, eyeing the seemingly straight-laced crew with suspicion. He straightened the hem of his uniform, and nodded to the young Captain Kirk in greeting.

"I hope my being called here is a _prank_, and that everything I've been hearing is a _gross_ exaggeration." He popped an eyebrow at them. "Behave as you would if I were not even here."

Pike glanced downward, collecting his thoughts, pausing briefly, then looked back up, shifting his gaze around the room. "As you were."

The Admiral looked back up at the Captain as the rest of the crew shuffled around. "Impress me."

Jim Kirk gave a wide smile. "I certainly hope so."

"As do I."


	2. Rule 1

Admiral Pike made his way into the cafeteria, glancing around at all the crew members and their lunches. Feeling his stomach give a sudden growl, he rolled up to the counter to snatch up a lunch for himself. Surprisingly, Chekov stood behind the smooth marble surface with a hair net, set of gloves, and an apron.

"Good Afternoon, sir!" He chirped. "Can I interest you in a sandwich?"

Pike wrinkled his nose as he examined the shrink wrapped lunch portions, seemingly all ham and Swiss on rye. He had never been a sandwich man himself. "Don't you have pizza or something?"

Chekov shook his head, but still smiled none-the-less. "No sir! Only Ham and cheese!"

The admiral bit his lip. "And why _only_ ham and cheese?"

"Mr. Scott told me that Ham and Cheese is the food of the universe!" He said confidently, handing a sandwich to a passing ensign "and that it will be replacing every meal on the Enterprise, sir."

Pike shook his head in disgust, grabbed out a pen and paper and began to write:

Rules of NCC-1701: Enterprise-  
1. Chekov is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with Sandwiches just because Scotty has declared it the 'food of the Universe.'


	3. Rules 2 and 3

After choking down a stale ham and cheese sandwich, Admiral Pike made the mistake of rolling into Sick Bay. A strange sight met the Admiral's eyes.

Doctor McCoy had a toothpick sized ensign sat awkwardly on a medical table, a surgical light shining right in his eyes.

"If there was an outbreak of Andorian shingles, how would you quarantine the disease?"

"I-I-I..." Stammered the blue shirt "Sir, I..."

"Damn it man!" Shouted the Doctor, shaking the lamp. "Answer the question!"

"I-I-I" he stuttered again.

Bones clicked off the light, looked at the man in disgust, and pointed towards the door. "You are dismissed Ensign. We will not be needing you in _this_ top notch medical bay."

Pike held up his hand, stopping the ensign. "That won't be necessary, Doctor, I assure you."

The trembling man looked between the two.

"And I assure you, Admiral Pike, that this ensign is neither worthy nor prepared."

The Admiral sighed. "Maybe he'd be able to answer the question if you weren't scaring him half to death."

"How can I expect him to act under pressure," Bones spat "If he can't even compose himself now?"

"You insist that terrifying new ensigns is the only way to prepare them?" Pike questioned with a hiked eyebrow.

"Yes." He crossed his arms "Yes I do."

The admiral pulled his notebook back out, and with a shake of his head, added to his list:

2. Bones is not allowed to interrogate new Medical Staff and dispose of the ones he deems unworthy.

3. Bones is not allowed to continue insisting that it is the final step of the briefing process to terrify new ensigns.


	4. Rule 4

Hikaru Sulu sat himself down gingerly into his chair on the bridge, flipping switches to wake the Enterprise up from the sleepy Beta crew. He also ensured he flipped on one extra switch that would give the crew- specifically his Russian companion- a surprise.

About twenty minutes into the daily routine, a sudden blast of music ripped the peaceful scene.  
"OHHHHHHHHHH-" it began, deafeningly loud.

Chekov's face lit into a huge grin. "I know this one, I know this one!"

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea-!" He belted, his accent thicker than ever. The Russian bounced up and down in his seat like a strange cross between an oompaloompa and a toddler in line at a theme park.

Sulu had to cover his mouth to muffle the laugh that struggled to stay in his throat. Chekov sing-a-longs were _perfect_. He glanced over his shoulder in time to see Admiral Pike cast a disapproving look in his direction.

Chekov continued dancing in his seat in excitement until the very end, when he flung his arms up for the finale.

"Oh!" He exclaimed, red in the face "Can we do that again?"

Sulu continued howling with laughter as an annoyed admiral added to his clipboard:

4. Sulu is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the bridge, no matter how amusing he finds Chekov and "Spongebob Squarepants"

**A/N: Thanks everyone for your favorites, follows and reviews! I plan on updating this twice a week if life doesn't get too much in the way :D**

**Your friend... ~Fishing Four Finnick**


	5. Rule 5

A few hours later Scotty and Sulu were taking a break below deck, chatting over a cup of coffee.

"You should've been there!" He socked the Scottish man in the shoulder. "The kid was bouncing up and down like a trampoline!"

"I don't suppose you have a video?" The engineer said with a chuckle, sipping his drink.

Sulu thought for a moment, then cracked a smile. "I got it!" He pointed to his companion "The security feed! We'll put it up on YouTube!"

"Aye!" Scotty smirked "Why that's brilliant!"

"Nay." The pair turned over their shoulders just in time to see the Admiral wheel around the corner "It's not." He held up his clipboard which now boasted a new addition to the list:

5. Sulu is not allowed to put the security feed of the Chekov's Spongebob dance on Youtube.


	6. Rule 6

Kirk snickered over his laptop. He was going to get that space elf so good this time. He plugged a tiny pin-drive into the USB and watched in earnest as it dumped a hacking agent into the hard drive, flipping through screen after screen of files. Kirk watched the pages flit by intently, and stopped abruptly with a jerk and a massive grin as "Spock" made its way to the front page. He hastily began reading, looking through photographs, picking up nasty tidbits.

"He's gonna get it good." He snickered under his breath as he clicked to save the file to his hard drive.

"Hmmmm." The other voice in the room made the young captain jump in his chair "If youre doing what you look like youre doing, I'm Afraid not, Kirk. No one's getting it good. Not this time."

He spun around to face Admiral Pike. How long had hot wheels been sitting there watching? Kirk gave a nervous grin. "Of course I wasnt doing anything bad, sir, I was just... testing the system."

"And testing the system is now looking up blackmail on our chief science officer?" Pike raised his brow. "Enlighten me."

"We'll you see..." Kirk stammered "I uh..."

"That's what I thought." The admiral shook his head, pulling out his pencil and adding to the clipboard list:

6. Kirk is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Spock.


	7. Rule 7

The pilot, the captain, the chief engineer, and the Russian sat together in the cafe, sharing a large sausage pizza. "I'm serious." Kirk began chewing slowly, "He's like a ghost. He knew exactly what I was doing and was waiting to catch me!"

"Did you get anythin' good?" Scotty inquired, hovering over his glass if Scotch.

Dejected, Kirk slumped back "No. Hot-wheels caught me before I could."

Scotty shook his head "Of all the rotten luck, of course."

Chekov frowned at his companions "So...we have nothing?"

After a short pause, Sulu began to chuckle "Gentlemen," he took a sip of his Jack Daniel's "All hope is not lost. I've already got the dirt we require."

"Really?" Scotty tilted his head.

"Truly." The Japanese man winked, thought for a second, then smirked "I found out that Spock is an acronym for 'Super Pompous and Outrageous Colon Killer.'"

The Scottish man choked slightly on his drink "Bit outrageous, don't you think?"

"Perhaps," came as Kirk's reply as he chewed on his thumbnail "But the rest of the crew won't know that."

"Colon killer?" Chekov spoke up, rubbing his stomach "I don't like the sounds of that."

Scotty helped himself to more Jack "It'll never work."

"Indeed." Admiral Pike's voice from behind made the entire group jump. When had he even come in the room? The Admiral wheeled himself up to the table, grabbed himself an empty glass, poured himself some scotch, and smiled at the stunned four before him. "Gentlemen." He nodded in greeting before dropping a clipboard on the table. "I present: A companion for rule six."

7. Sulu is not allowed to insist that he's already done so and that Spock is short for "Super Pompous Outrageous Can Kicker."…. Because it isn't.


	8. Rule 8

It was a calm Friday afternoon, Pike lounged in his wheelchair on deck, he sipped on a small cup of coffee; Two sugars, and a drop of cream, just the way he liked it. He glanced around at the busy crew, they were all doing well, extremely occupied, doing their jobs in a correct orderly fashion. And- he noted- even his allowance for casual Friday wear was going over well for crew morale. He smiled, and took another sip. Perhaps he'd be able to leave in a few-

A feminine shriek made him dip his mug and spill all over his nice white jacket. His face wrinkled in disgust, and he snapped over his shoulder to bark at whoever had caused the spill. However, when he completed the motion he too wanted to scream in horror.  
A start naked Mr. Scott stood in the middle of the deck, his arms crossed. The man looked as though this was perfectly normal, his pale skin glistening under the bright lights on bridge. It was for certain that the Admiral was seeing much more of the engineer than he ever cared to see. But what was worse, was that the Captain seemed completely undisturbed by his crewman's unseemly behavior.

"Good God!" Exclaimed Pike, a mixture of disgust and rage plain on his face "Kirk what on earth are you doing letting him walk around like that? Not only is he naked, but you can't even see his rank!"

"Not so!" Scotty grinned and turned so the admiral could get a 'better' view, pointing to a sticker on his chest "Got rank taken care of!"

"Oh good." He snapped sarcastically, "now that we've got the important part out of the way, would you care to explain to me what prompted you to report to duty in such an inappropriate manner?"

"Casual Friday." Kirk answered with a shrug, regarding his superior officer as if he was a pesky gnat, "isn't that obvious?"

"Casual Friday!" Scotty agreed, nodding his head and grinning. "In fact, this whole ordeal was your idea!"

Pike pressed his lips into a tight line and pulled out his clipboard, started a fresh piece of paper, and wrote:  
"8. Scotty is not allowed to be naked on bridge. Ever."  
And wheeling over to the engineer, he cut a strip of tape from a pouch on the side of his chair, and hung the new rule as a loin cloth over the Scottish man's crotch. And with a self-satisfied grin, and quite a few shocked looks, Pike rolled off the bridge.

Scotty looked between his companions, furrowed his brow, and looked down at his newly covered area. "Aye..." He shook his head "But suppose I get a paper cut from 'im! That'll be bloody annoying!"


End file.
